Since we found out about Malia’s anencephaly, questions about my faith have been arising in my mind … do I really believe God is enough for me? Do I really mean the words of hymns and songs that I sing, when I say this world has nothing to offer me? Would I give up everything on this earth for Him?
I want to say yes, but my thoughts have wandered to places this month where I want to have a strong and whole baby in my arms. I imagine that will make everything better. This struggle has been an opportunity for me to enter into prayer with open hands asking God to take over.
As I have surrendered these dreams … to have a perfectly healthy baby this winter, to wrap her up in warm blankets and sit by the fire, to rock her to sleep while we watch the snow fall outside, and to sing her songs while Chris and I drink hot chocolate in our cold apartment … I have come to understand that even if I don’t fully believe that this world has nothing to offer me or that God is really all I need – it is true. For me, there is something about meditating on truth and saying it aloud that causes it to sink in. It invites me into confession, praise and into the comfort of God’s arms.
This song was playing a few weeks back: Healer (Hillsong). I realized as I was singing along, I didn’t know if I meant the words coming out of my mouth. So, I have been learning how to sing the chorus to this song and believe it. When I wonder if it’s true, I ask the Lord to give me a faith that is deeper than my earthly hopes, because I know he has something bigger in store — even if I don’t recognize that until the other side of this life.